or: Why I hate engagement rings
Disclaimer: This is a very heteronormative post as I am woefully ignorant of other marriage/union traditions.
So, something is in the air here in the good old south that is seducing my friends and family into getting engaged. And I think getting married at young age gets its own post, but here I want to focus on the sexist tradition of engagements, particualry engagement rings.
I think engagement rings are bad for both men and women.
They are bad for women because they a) encourage us to compete with eachother to see whose “rock” is bigger, better, and more expensive. b) it reeks of ownership. Only women wear engagement rings. As in: this engagement involves the woman more than man. This engagement entitles him to her. He has ownership of her. She is betrothed to him.
I think anything that fuels competition between women that has nothing to do with actual personal acomplishment (like the price of a gift) trivilizes our actual acomplishments. Has anyone noticed the showers of congradulations and wishes women get over a proposal as opposed to a job related success?
Why they are bad for men: a) they reinforce and normalize the “golddigger” stereotype which hurts men (and women). b) Men do not wear engagement rings, though they are 50% of the relationship. This is jsut one more drop in the bucket of feminizing love and emotions. I am sick and tired of the idea that men are emotionless and that feelings are for girls (and fags). And this just cements it. It suggest, no, screams that women are in relationships while men stand somewhere on the outer fringe.
FINALLY: Engagement rings are useless. Why spend $1,000s on something that is really, in the end, decorative with no functional purpose when you can spend that money on something you can actually USE.
I have already told my boyfriend in the event we decide to join in unholy matrimony, firstly, I will be prosing with an egagement guitar. That’s right. A gift he’d actually want.
18 comments
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October 30, 2008 at 5:40 am
Red Queen
I say skip the engagement ring and the big ugly wedding and have a hell of a honeymoon instead. Start a marriage off right, with no debts and two weeks of sex and adventure.
October 30, 2008 at 10:26 am
goingtomontreal
I like the way you think.
October 30, 2008 at 11:04 am
feministgal
funny you mention the guitar. That’s exactly what my partner and i are doing, exchanging “gifts” for the engagement as apposed to me just getting a ring. I have no out about the ring, my dad’s a jeweler and has been planning my ring for years… i can’t not get a ring, it would devastate my father. BUT i am getting D a guitar in exchange for the ring because both the ring and the guitar are expensive and unnecessary gifts (D has 4 guitars already…) making the whole tradition that much more egalitarian
October 30, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Amelia
Hmmm…
As someone who has been in a long-term heterosexual relationship with someone who I have considered marrying (somewhere far down the line), this post, for whatever reason, really made me think.
I don’t think I have any problem with the IDEA of engagement, but your assessment of engagement rings, I think, is very dead-on. They are pointless. Even if both people wore them…what’s the point?
Ah, I think I’ll have this discussion with my boyfriend sometime.
November 1, 2008 at 1:42 am
crankosaur
…not to mention how effed up the diamond industry is. Seriously, diamonds suck.
November 1, 2008 at 5:40 am
Ryan
They cost so much money, two months salary is a whole lot.
November 3, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Anonymous
You gotta love how a movement about allowing women to make their own choices is at the forefront of telling them those choices are wrong, when you don’t agree.
November 3, 2008 at 7:12 pm
goingtomontreal
Anonymous,
PLease show me where I said in my post that no woman should EVER have a RING ever ever RING and that if she chooses to there is something wrong with her???
I think if you want an engagment ring that is between you and your partner. But I also think that they are still sexist.
I think porn is sexist but I would never endorse censoring it either.
And in the future I would perfer if you didn’t cower behind the anonymous mask.
November 3, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Anonymous
Welcome to the internet. I don’t need a bunch of people knowing my real name, considering the prevalence of e-stalking turned real-stalking, thanks.
Engagement rings were invented with BOTH partners wearing them, as a symbol of commitment to each other. Roman times. Iron, for permanence, was the primary metal of the ring.
It’s only fairly recently that they’ve been made out of more precious metals with less significance. The nature of the tradition is still there, though.
You just think it’s sexist because you want to put meaning in it that’s not there.
Like the claims of “ownership”. Frankly, when you get married, yes, your spouse DOES have a measure of ownership over you. The only people that protest that, are ones that think cheating is okay.
November 3, 2008 at 10:04 pm
goingtomontreal
My problem isn’t with claims over a spouse, my problem lies in that WOMEN wear them ONLY during an engagement, symbolizing the man have ownership of the woman.
And I don’t care about Roman times. I care about now.
November 4, 2008 at 12:28 am
Amelia
Don’t entertain trolls, love.
November 4, 2008 at 1:38 am
Anonymous
Of course not. Neglecting history is a feminist staple, as I’ve seen it.
Women only wear them, because men wearing excessive jewelery has fallen out of fashion.
Men wear very few rings, and when they do, they usually don’t carry gemstones.
Men used to wear a lot of earrings, and now only occasionally do they do so. Does that make earrings sexist? No.
Besides, again, the only people who complain about a partner having a claim on another, are the ones that feel that “sexual autonomy” means “freedom to cheat”.
November 4, 2008 at 2:28 pm
PunPuniChu
(Obviously, it’s a troll.
I think it’s a pity to have no life and to spew out some stereotyped ideas at blogs that don’t fit in their little word to feel better =)
Ignoring would be the best choice.)
Your views are interesting, I suppose most “traditions” are sexist because they were created in times that were sexist.
I don’t get why so many people hold on to them but maybe it’s their idea of “romantic”.
November 4, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Faggots
“Of course not. Neglecting history is a feminist staple, as I’ve seen it.”
Okay, you’re an idiot. There’s a difference between “neglecting” history and acknowledging the sexist bent of our respective historical lineages. Feminism is about being PROGRESSIVE in developing the rights of disenfranchised groups rather than clinging to antiquated traditions that propagate said disenfranchisement.
“Besides, again, the only people who complain about a partner having a claim on another, are the ones that feel that “sexual autonomy” means “freedom to cheat”.”
Great generalization, douchebag!! Now where are the statistics to back it up?
November 8, 2008 at 11:21 pm
zooeyibz
I have to confess, I’d never thought of engagement rings in these terms until quite recently. I grew up on Breakfast At Tiffany’s and have always craved a big, fat, expensive hunk of carbon set in some shiny stuff… but on consideration I think I’ll hold out till I can afford my own bling.
Partially because that damn Beyonce song makes me gag. “If you want it, you shoulda put a ring on it”? she makes it sound about as romantic as getting branded. Which it sort of is.
November 9, 2008 at 5:42 am
Angelia Sparrow
I have an engagement ring. It’s a 12pt sapphire in Black Hills gold. It was my Christmas present from my future husband (in 88) and is quite symbolic.
A couple of friends got engaged and her ring had a teddy-bear with sapphire chip eyes. Neither man spent more than a hundred dollars.
Two months salary is ridiculous. Get something that’s a token and means something, if you decide to get anything at all. And girls out-rocking each other is just sad.
Of course, these days, it’s only my husband who wears the wedding ring. I removed mine during my second pregnancy and they haven’t fit since.
December 6, 2008 at 1:00 am
ash
I LOL’d! A guitar! That’s awesome. Like a Birthday-Engagement combo.
Rings are itchy and get in the way. Plus, they’re just stupid rocks. If you can’t use ‘em for anything, why buy them? I’d rather tattoo a ring around my finger.
February 8, 2009 at 8:18 am
Jessiawesome
You know I love this, K.
I was actually going to write something of substance but all I am thinking in my head to write is FUCK MOTHER FUCKING WEDDINGS.
I am a little drunk off of wine, I profess.