Right, so I might have thought to feel guilty while purchasing issues of both US Cosmo and UK Cosmo…but I didn’t and instead settled for an evening of self-hating. Part of this is because I am looking for clips for a project as suggested to me by a friend through the book On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex. Basically, the project is meant to help your body image: what you do is clip out pictures of what you find “sexy,” as in what you can relate to (not a person you are attracted to…though I guess it could be both?) and make a collage. Then, you clip out pictures of women who share your body shape and size (all I have found so far is a sad, little picture of a heavily covered Queen Latifah.) Then, you make a collage out of those. You hang them side by side, and then see what can be overlapped. Oh, adn you are supposed to think about what you find sexy about the sexy side…. Yes.

Wow, ok that was a long explaination.

ANYWAY.

I have decided I might want to move to England one day. Yes I am only basing this on the latest issue of Cosmo UK (oh, and Harry Potter) but I just find the attitude in it so much more…welcoming? Positive? Aside from the obvious reasons (more instances of visual depictions of biracial couples, a more appealing layout, more practical advice, use of words like “bits” and “lovely”) I just feel that the style and the content of the articles are less shallow and sexist. UK Cosmo doesn’t talk down to its readers; rather, it is cheeky and cute while also being relatable and interesting. And, the advice is a lot more feminist friendly. For example, one reader wrote in and asked how to deal with her boyfriend’s porn tastes; she explained that after watching a porno with her boyfriend, he started bringing home and having her watch more hardcore material which made her uncomfortable. She asked if she was being naive. The agony aunt (I love that phrase!) answered:

 ”I’ll tell you what’s naive–thinking its OK to manipulate someone into doing something they don’t want to do. It seems some men find it difficult to understand why hardcore images can upset women so much. I say let’s make those men sit and watch a film in which a young man gets gang-banged by a bunch of massive hairy gorillas over a snooker table while loads of other gorillas laugh about how much he looks like he’s enjoying it--then ask them if they are getting any closer to the picture! If porn is going to play a part in your sex life, you have to be in control of what you watch. If he’s not willing to take you seriously, there are plent of lovely guys out there who will.”  (Emphasis mine)

I find this attitude much better than the usual grin-and-bear-it version at Cosmo US. I feel our version of Cosmo has made it their mission to shame women into being porned-up fem-bots, willing to do anything to please their man (see this issue’s  ”67 New Blow-His-Mind Moves”). However, Cosmo UK told a woman she should not have to do something she doesn’t feel comfortable with, to not take this shit lying down, and throw a nice jab at the pro-porn attitude. I loved it.

Let’s compare that to Cosmo US. While last month they ran a great story about why you should chose saftey over ”being polite” in order to escape the threat of sexual assualt, this month they gave us the oh-so-helpful “The Power of Going Bare…Down There.” All of the ”suprsing impact” examples are painted in a positive light, despite some, in my eyes, being very very negative. They are… (and these are the headings verbatim)

1. A Burgeoning Industry Has Been Born (great…one more thing I have to spend my money on in order to look like an acceptable female speciman.)
2. Guy’s Expectations Have Shifted: COSMO says ”Now, young guys count on it and may assume you’re slightly more prudish if your pubic hair isn’t shorn.” (ah, I see. So, since it has been showing up in porn and men obviously want their women to be straight out the adolescent male fantasy, I should go against my comfort and fit their expecatations because they might…gasp!…see me as a prude?!)
3.  Certain STDs Can No Longer Hide (sorry, but its called a YEARLY GYNO EXAM with no fear of going in if you think something is amiss…and practice safe sex. Oh, and get the HPV vaccination. Wow. Brazilian waxes are at the forefront of STD prevention tactics. To quote Twisty: I BLAME THE PATRIARCHY!!!)
4. Genital Plastic Surgery Is Increasinly Popular (I have nothing to say. This is ridiculous.)
5. Staying Fresh Down South Is a Bit Simpler: COSMO says “Nixing hair won’t eliminate your vaginal odor, but it may improve your scent.” (Not only should I be worried about how it looks, but also how it smells.)
6. Guys Are Jumping On the Bandwagon (Something about shaved balls gives me the willies…and why should I want my man to go through the pain and discomfort if I certainly don’t want to? My point being: neither of us should want it.)
7. Celebs Have Another Thing to Flaunt: COSMO says “Britney Spears’ last crotch shot garnered 2,577 comments on Perezhilton.com, harshly dissecting the appearence of everything from her labia to her clitoris. If she’d had a patch of hair, there wouldn’t have been as much to scrutizine.” (Well, damned if we do, damned if we don’t. And this whole criticizing of the look of her vagina makes me want to round up all 2,577 folks along with Perez Hilton himself and send them to another planet where they and their perfect genitalia can live in peace. Assholes.)
8. And Itchy STD Now May Be Close to Extinction (no more crabs…this could be a good thing, I guess?)
9. [my personal favorite] The Brazilian Has Redefined Erotica (here is a novel idea folks; why not define what is erotic on your own…fucking…terms? I am not trying to dismiss the pervasive presence of the sex and appearance industry in our lives, but I think Cosmo SHOULD be encouraging their readers to think about sex how they like it and not follow trends. But then I guess all these chi-chi waxing salons would no longer be making $80 a pop. There ya go.)

This whole pubic hair thing makes me really pissed. My ex boyfriend was always bugging me to go bare with wonderful reasons such as “it makes oral sex easier” to “it will feel better for you!” Well, let me tell ya, the few times I gave in were some of the most painful, uncomfortable, itchy, and dishearting experiences of my life. It burned, it got red, it was time consuming, it chaffed during sex, I did not get the hour of cunnilingus as promised, and the growing back process left me with an itchy five-o-clock shadow. Tres charming, huh? The alternative to shaving, waxing, didn’t dair much better. Just waxing my bikini line at home left my pelvis covered in smarting, bloody spots. The idea of letting someone pour hot wax on my complete thatch, as well as my labia and asshole and then ripping it out by the roots makes me want to die. And all for what? Because it looks cleaner? So all the crevices of my vagina can be examined and compared to others? So a hair or two won’t get caught in his teeth while he goes down on me? (Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Try swallowing a mouthful of semen sometime. THEN come talk to me.)

I am sorry, but my bush is staying. When I used to nude model, at first I was self concious of it, but then I realized that my pubis hair is a sign of woman hood. I personally feel better with it. Of course, I will not put down women who want to get rid of it, but for me, I love it.

I will now a quote a really wise girl from my high school health class. Some of the football players were freaking out when they saw how fuzzy the woman’s privates were in the film The Miracle of Life (never mind the baby shooting out!) making a scene on how “gross” her hair was. This girl said loudly that she refused to shave or wax her pubes. When the boys started to try to ridicule her, this is what she said (in front of the teacher and whole class):

It’s my fucking bush and I’ll do what I want with it.

Amen.